The Arrogant Emu

“Lift up your head, then, oh First & Rightful, for your faith shows as surely as mine that guilt is only the unwashed face of joy.”

Continued from some years ago…

And he smiled at Johnny, showing his teeth, which were stained yellow in places from the pipe-smoke.

‘What can I do for you, my lad?’ he asked.

Johnny considered this for a while, as the man sat smoking beside him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I’m afraid that I’m not the one to answer questions. You see, I have been out into the world to learn, but learning is a sweaty business, or learning is an angry business, or learning is the dullest business in the world. If I had stayed with the farmer, or with the soldier, or with the scholar, I might have learned what the devil can do for me, but as it is, I don’t know what you do at all.’

‘Oh, I go to and fro in the world,” said the devil, ‘walking up and down in it.’ And he stretched his legs out under the tree.

‘That is a fine life,’ said Johnny.

‘And I give people what they want,’ added the devil.

‘That must be difficult,’ said Johnny, ‘for I give people what they want as well, but only if what they want is a fish head.’

‘Oh, it’s not difficult at all,’ said the devil, ‘once you understand the principle of business. And the principle of business is this: that people will give you something they don’t want in exchange for something they do.’

‘But what have people got that they don’t want?’ asked Johnny.

‘Their souls,” said the devil. ‘I collect souls. I dry them out and smoke them in my pipe. ‘ He blew a smoke ring toward the sky. ‘It’s finer than tobacco, and richer, but how the tar gets caught in the lungs!’

He looked back at Johnny. ‘If there’s nothing I can do for you, young man,’ he said, ‘perhaps you had best be moving along.’

‘The whole world tells me to go to the devil,’ Johnny observed, ‘and now the devil tells me to go to the world. Oh, what a pity I didn’t learn anything, because it makes no sense to me at all.’ And he got to his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder, and drew a deep breath to sing-

‘Fish heads, fish- ‘

‘Hold hard there,’ said the devil. ‘The world is wide, and walking up and down in it gets tiring, and besides, there are now so many debts to collect that I hardly have time for them all. Listen, young man, how would you like to become my apprentice?’

‘I should like it very well,’ said Johnny.

‘You’ll help me out in the world,’ said the devil, ‘giving people what they want, and collecting their souls when the debt comes round. Of course there is the matter of your prentice-fee.’

‘Oh, I know what that is,’ said Johnny.

‘Do you,’ said the devil.

‘You want my soul, of course, said Johnny, ‘on the principle of business. Well, it seems that today is lucky for you as well as for me, for I have found the devil, and you have found the only man with a soul that I have seen in my entire journey.’ He rummaged in his bag.

‘You’re a quick learner,’ said the devil. ‘We shall get on well together.’

‘Oh, no,’ said Johnny, with his head in his pack, ‘I can’t learn anything at all; Pickett said so. But here is my prentice-fee,’ and he presented the devil with a fish head.

‘What is this?’ demanded the devil.

‘It’s my sole,’ said Johnny, ‘fresh-caught this morning and the last one I have.’

The devil laid his pipe down on the grass under the tree, and roared with laughter. ‘I’ll take that, then, my boy,’ he said, ‘for as you know I am the father of puns. Some call me the father of lies, but a lie is a just a pun that only I find funny.’